Sitting awake late tonight, rocking out to Jar of Hearts and pissing my roommate off to an enormous extent. Had a hell of a night tonight, doing the things none of us are supposed to, and I'm feeling the way that none of us allegedly should. The music's streaming and we're all trying to sing sweet harmonies at the same time. it seems as though the tattoos on Christina Perri's body are leaping out, jumping from behind the screen into a new reality where I just happen to be sitting. It's a chance occasion that was meant to me, the meeting of her music and my inner subconscious.
Tomorrow's another big day: emphasis on the word "another." It seems as though every day's a big day when you move onto a new phase in your life. I wonder if things come easier. Based on past experience, I can say with certainty that the do. The only thing we really have to base the future on is the past. But I think we're always left with that uncertainty, that fear that normality is going to broken in a way that isn't beneficial to us.
It's amazing how we exist in such a love/hate relationship with the phenomenon of chance. I mean really: chance can be one of the greatest things in the world...if the risk goes our way and we reap all the benefits. I mean, who doesn't love that feeling? The feeling of an unexpected gain, perhaps in the midst of a difficult time? I might even go so far as to compare that feeling to the sensation of orgasm. It's something that you cannot experience in any other way, and once it's passed, it's difficult to describe again.
But look at it from the opposite perspective. If a risk taken does not actually go our way, it's like no other feeling of devestation. It's as if we placed our lives on the very line of chance, risking the fates of holding our breaths forever and never inhaling again. And when that risk does not prove beneficial, the sky comes falling down as if there is no tomorrow. I guess it can go that way sometimes. Win your gamble or die.
I'd go so far as to say I made a pretty big gamble. I took a huge risk, only wanting to go to one school. I put all my focus into that school, not having any back-up plan because I was so focused on achieving that goal. My laziness is what jumped up and bit me, though, because my desire to avoid the anger of my father is what drove me to apply here. I half-heartedly tried for the biggest scholarship, not even anticipating that I would make it past the first round, much less win the whole thing. How was I supposed to know that my greatest failure and greatest accomplishment should occur at the same time in a way that was far from pleasant for me. In the sapce of a week I was not only denied from the educational institution of my dreams, but was drawn into the forboding claws of a place I detested with extreme ferocity.
So here I am...far from where I should be with few options to redeem my fate. I made a mistake, and truthfully none of us ever really think we're going to make mistakes, but I certainly did. We often focus on only a metaphorical heaven or hell, making a situation out to be completely black and white. We hope for one extreme and dread the other, making every conflict seem as though you have to win or lose. We never allow the possibility for compromise, and the ability to avoid catastrophe altogether. That's certainly something I wish I'd done.
Japanese quiz early tomorrow morning in the glimmering pools of heaven. I shouldn't compare it to heaven, though, because this was not my original extreme. It exists as a place between heaven and hell, sitting humbly without focusing to much on its good points or too much on its bad ones. If I can't be there all the time, I guess the taste of something sweet is enough to satisfy me for now.
